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  • Writer's picturedale Hardy

Wannabe Food Critics and the Pointless Eunuch


Eating and enjoying food which has been lovingly prepared for me is such a special thing and if I can have it brought to where I am sitting, it’s even better. And I have been doing this in cafe's, restaurants and similar watering holes since I first earneid my own money and don't think I'll ever stop. I might do it on the cheap when I don't have much in my already deep pockets, but the overall experience is one which brings a great deal to my life and therefore shall continue despite the sometimes meagre contents of my bank accounts. So looking back at a period in my life when I used to write about it, I have to be honest and say that on occasion, I used to be a right wanker. Some people might say that I still am but I try to ignore it. And back then, I don't know how many meals I spoiled with my relentless critique and criticism of meals out in pubs and restaurants. My wife, who by the way has never been shy about telling me that I'm being over the top, used to beg me to stop with the attacks and just get on with enjoying my food. Even she probably thought I was a wanker. And for this reason she would dread eating out with me because she knew where it would go.


Loving food and enjoying eating (out) should have been enough for me, as let's be honest, not everyone gets the opportunity. But for some unknown reason and for a brief period, it wasn't. I would sit there and almost hope that the food or service would be sub-standard because I couldn't wait to commence another scathing review of my latest meal out. And it really was laughable. I mean so laughable that now, looking back, I'm a bit embarrassed and a bigger bit ashamed. It's only because of my lovely missus that there are more positive than negative reviews out there on the internet.


Trip Advisor was my platform of choice at the time. It was well known and was seated smack bang in the dining out/review arena and was on the crest of a wave. If you wanted to have a look-see at what people thought about a particular restaurant, you looked on Trip Advisor. If you wanted to read car crash stories about poor food, you looked on trip Advisor. If you just had an interest in what was going on in your town but you couldn't go everywhere, you looked on Trip Advisor. The masses were starting to use it a lot more and it was a very useful tool for not only the public but also businesses with a view to increasing footfall.


So anyway back to me and being a wannabe restaurant reviewer. Because that's what I used to do when I put a post on Trip Adviser, I would write a review of a restaurant. But where this broke from tradition, was the fact that I was a rogue operator. A lone wolf. I wasn't being paid to do it and nobody actually knew I was doing these reviews. I was off the radar if you like. I was in my own little bubble where I would sit down at my computer and exercise my democratic right to occasionally rip a new one in the rear end of my latest victim. I would sit there, filled with venom, telling the world about what a poor job the kitchen and waiting staff had done. Highlighting that their best efforts were far from what I expected. Pulling apart a less than average performance. I was effectively a poor man's Michelin inspector to the mid-nineties Marco Pierre White. Insignificant in many ways, probably couldn't do much better myself but I helped pay their bills with my custom. And that's where on occasion I used to exercise my right to freedom of speech. But let’s ask a few questions of me like, who the fuck did I think I was and why was I doing what I did? Who did I think was reading my reviews and what did I hope to achieve?


Well to answer the above four questions I could easily launch into an extended justification of my actions, explaining that it was a good thing to do as the dining public valued my opinion and that of the Trip Advisor massive at large. And at the time, a few years ago now I hasten to add, I felt I was justified. In my own world, writing something negative and publishing it to a public forum was justified and positive, all be it in a kind of back to front manner.


It is at this point I must point out that my reviews were mainly positive. And actually very positive in many cases which at least in my defence shows that there was some balance there. I wasn't just a nasty, vindictive and spiteful individual who only ever looked for the bad stuff, itching to get home to get my piece written so I could share it with the world. I gave credit where it was due and if I had had some good food and service I let people know. But nevertheless there are still some less than favourable pieces of "writing" out there which were my doing.

Giving feedback to someone who has just done something for you, no matter what it is, can be a valuable exercise for all parties involved and when the scenario is a pub, cafe or restaurant, the feedback you give can be so positive and can have a dramatic effect on a person or teams day. Just to let them know they have done a good job not only makes them shine but also gives you a warm feeling inside, to boot. It reinforces their collective strength and they become greater than the sum of their parts. It's a good thing to do. But what if you don't give them this? What if the feedback you give them is not good but is what you, the wannabe restaurant critic might call "constructive"? What happens then?


"Just to let you know, my steak was a little overdone" or "I'm really sorry but we have been waiting nearly half an hour for our desserts". Two examples of how dealing with an issue can be simple. Dealt with there and then and the team have the opportunity to rectify the issue you have reasonably raised and everyone can take something away from it that is positive. The flip side of the coin is a rude, snotty or obnoxious customer making a big fuss of what is often nothing too major. Not giving the team a fair chance to make amends and not being reasonable. The saving grace being that it was raised at the time. And if it must wait, it might be an email or it might be a phone call a couple or three days later, to point out to the manager that the experience wasn't what they had hoped it would be. That's how reasonable people (should) do it.

"If there is really nothing positive to be gained from a particular act there is no reason to carry it through". This I believe to be a statement of fact in any scenario, so just think about it for a second and you will see that you probably agree. So when I look at my Trip Advisor, or as some people now call it, Shit Advisor, reviews I see that I got it so wrong. It was just a snap shot in time. I was just one customer and my perspective was extremely subjective. It was based on what I thought it should have been like and what my expectations were. I believed that my opinion was objective but this couldn't have been further from the truth. And anyway, are we living in a world where people are not allowed to make mistakes or have a bad day? Striving for perfection is all well and good but where there are so many variables (like a restaurant situation) it's reasonable to expect that occasionally the wheels get a little buckled. So is this really enough of a reason to get in front of your computer and write a damning report of your latest experience? Do you think this helps the business and the people who help to run it?


Wannabe restaurant reviewers are everywhere. Many have stupid usernames on Shit Advisor like tictac57 or stueykittens and are able to sit in the comfort of their centrally heated two-up, two-downs and anonymously post these often negative reviews with gay abandon. But let me tell you that there is nothing to be gained from it. Nothing. In reality there is a great deal to be gained from talking to the people in your establishment of choice and dealing with it at the time. This gives them a right of reply and the chance to sort it out. And by the way I also don't believe that only ever saying good things is the way forward because burying heads in the sand does little good either. So surely all feedback is good feedback and everyone wants to improve what they do no matter what it is? Surely direct contact either at the time or a little later is the way forward?


Despite what they believe or have been falsely been led to believe, the weekend food and hospitality industry experts, sometimes fail to take into account one simple but glaringly obvious fact. And that is, it's really fucking hard to run a successful food business. And this is not a cry for help on behalf of all the chefs, waiters, kitchen porters and restaurant managers out there. I'm just just stating the obvious. Welcoming customers, sometimes in their hundreds, through the doors and accepting the request to feed, water, make comfortable and keep them happy, is a herculean task at the best of times because the public can be an unknown quantity. Friendly, patient, understanding and amiable people can be accompanied by their polar opposites which can be challenging for anyone, no matter how professional. This SHOULD be obvious to everyone but sadly isn't and I, like you or someone you know, may have been guilty in the past of not being able to see the wood for the trees.


I guess the main question that the wannabe restaurant critic must ask themselves, is why do it in the first place? And why slag people off on Shit Advisor? Do they hope that their caustic wit is going to be picked up by the editor of the Guardian in favour of their current resident food writer? Do they just want to brag about the places they are eating at or do they really believe that slating the hardworking staff members of their local suburban bistro is going to somehow be positive for the potential customers who have yet to visit? Well I can't answer these questions but I hope to help them realise that Shit Advisor isn't the place to do it and if there is nothing positive to say it's just better all round to say nothing. Just don't go back if you feel that strongly about your last visit. Ask yourself why you have such expectations and if they are really justified on the busiest night of the week when they are clearly up against it with a full house. Have some understanding, decency and empathy. Don't labour the point in your cyber balaclava like some pointless eunuch a few days later. Say something positive about it if you must write. Tell the world how wonderful the chips were or how friendly the waiter was even though he was rushed off his feet, because this does far more good than a hundred negative pieces of bitter internet rambling. Think on.

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