Like so many people, I find eating out to be a real pleasure. It's a bit of an occasion. And most of the time the food I receive is well conceived and executed, giving me not only a full tummy but also mild euphoria. From time to time however, there is a slight niggle. Nothing earth shattering or so eventful I feel the need push my plate away, unable to continue eating, but it's there. It's woven into the very fabric of the meal's conception and it's the knowledge that whoever decided how this plate of food would be, hadn't taken the time to sit down to eat it like a diner. The average diner. Me. Mister Average. I find that I just don't say anything anymore, I probably just sigh to myself and even then, I doubt I notice I'm doing it.
It’s not even like it's one specific thing, it is many. It’s mushy peas in a ramekin on my plate when I'm eating Fish and chips. Let’s kick off with that. I just don't understand it and never have. I probably never will. I know why they do it. In their world, it’s right. They think it looks neater on the plate and they can heat up one single portion in a microwave and quickly serve it. Perhaps they believe, that mushy peas and fried potato making contact will produce life threatening compounds, so toxic, that death is a certainty. But they won’t, and a little pot of peas is a pointless thing on my plate. It’s not about them in the kitchen, making life easier for themselves. It’s about me, The diner. And you, the reader. And a pleasant experience. When faced with this offending item, the first thing I do, is pour or scrape the contents of the ramekin onto my plate. This may burn my fingers if the kitchen staff have demonstrated their due diligence and I’ve got to give them that one despite the annoyance. Nobody likes cold peas now do they? It's just another item to wash up. A needlessly washed item. An item which should never have even seen peas never mind been placed onto my plate. I don’t believe the kitchen porter is so bored that they need to make stuff up to keep him busy? No, I thought not. He will be happier if you stick to making Creme Brulees in them.
Once upon a time I used to complain with vigour to (at) whoever I was dining with about this, but not now. I just reduce my volume to barely audible, mumble and get on with the task at hand. There is no point saying anything, not even to friends who feel the same. They’ve heard it too many times already. In time, I suppose my once damming outbursts of vitriol will just evolve into a slightly lingering look between us which will no longer need or benefit from the assistance of any verbally spoken language.
Secondly, and I'll keep this one short. Ramekin full of beans on a Full English. See above.
Next must be pies. Type the word "pie" into Google Images (other search engines are available) and see what comes up. I've just done it so trust me. Most of the pies shown, have a pastry base holding the main event, the filling, and many have an accompanying pastry lid. They are exactly what I think of when I think "pie". What I do NOT think of, is a stew on my plate with a separately cooked disk of possibly dry and/or stale puff pastry. This is not a pie. This will never be a pie. This has never been a pie. Stop doing it. Stop calling it a pie. Ask your mother or grandmother how to make a pie. That's the acid test. Ask them and you'll hear words like, base, lid, pie dish and if you're very lucky, crimp. Mum knows best. Her mum knows better. Even the Scary Bikers know that. At the very least chef, put your filling into a pie dish. Lined or not line with pastry, it’s your choice, you're in control, top it with pastry and bake it all together until golden. This is a pie. Better still, send me a free-standing pastry case, baked with the filling inside, lovely brown pastry top and you’ve cracked it. This is a pie. Keep doing it.
Lastly, who doesn't love chips? Everyone loves them. Fact. Even if your meal doesn't come with them you will most likely order some on the side and the jobs a good'un. But what if your meal does come with them? They'll put them on the plate, right? Well actually, no. Not now. Now they’ll give you another side order on your plate. Once upon a time, it might have been a large ramekin (aaaarg!) even a coffee cup, way back when. But now, they put chips into a mini fryer basket. A teeny weeny stainless steel basket which looks like it was stolen from the Borrowers. I mean it’s funny, isn’t it? It looks cool, doesn’t it? No. Not with fish and chips. Or my pie. I’m going to use a knife and fork so put them where they’re supposed to be, on the plate. Up against the peas. It's getting to the point where ordering a meal results in something so far removed from getting a plate of food it's comical. I recently had a meal in a well-known Mexican chain restaurant where my burger was served on a wooden board. At one end was a mini pot of coleslaw and at the other, a mini basket of chips. This isn’t a bad thing and it's designed, I suppose, to be eaten with your hands, so fair enough, I can pick them out of the basket. It’s a good place to put them. But with fish and chips? Or a pie? No, please don't. It doesn't add anything to the experience other than frustration. There's nothing wrong with making food look good, after all it should look good first to make you want to eat it. That’s your first contact with your meal. If you must do something to them, make a small lattice structure. Stack them up and stack them high. Make the waiting staff mumble that they just keep falling over when they put the plate down. Get your kicks that way. Don’t get your kicks from a stolen fryer basket. Eating a meal needs to be harmonious and tipping out its components onto the plate isn't harmonious. Ask the kitchen Porter.
The people who get it know what it's like to sit down and eat the food they serve. They know how it's done and how it works. They've thought about it and they’ve eaten it. They blend the mechanics of eating, with the taste and texture of the final dish perfectly. They don't make a burger so tall that it's impossible to eat it like a burger. They don't put a sprig of Parsley on my breakfast, because it doesn't belong there. It adds nothing. It just distracts and detracts. I think it’s called style over substance and I just want them to think about it a little more. Please, eat your food chef.